The Donald

Whilst others are salivating at the prospect of The Donald arriving in Stornoway for the long overdue and totally manipulative visit to Stornoway (I wonder just how many times it will be mentioned at the Inquiry into the Golf Course planning application?) to show just how much he respects his late mother, I have got the real news.

I'm not waiting for the press conference, no siree, as I have got an exclusive interview with those who are closest to the magnificent genius that is the most bankrupt Lewis dispora.

Over the past two weeks I have been privileged to have had unrestricted access to the quarantine kennels in which the wigs have been kept to allow acclimatisation, prior to The Visit (capital TV) by his Holiness.

Wig 1 & 2 were quite talkative, but wig 3 demanded anonymity from the cage in which it was kept. I have identified the wigs by colour coding them according to their particular shade.

AN: Tell me about how you met The Donald.
W1: He picked me up one night when he was at his lowest, and I showed him how to look young and day-glo again.
W2: We met in Vegas where I was with Cher, but I toned my lifestyle down after meeting him.
W3: He ripped me from a mohair jersey!

AN: Where are you from originally?
W1: Put together will loving care from the off-cuts of celebrities, I was born at the finest wigmaker in Vienna, and stitched with loving care to fit The Donald.
W2: I was born in the deep south of America, where plastic hair meets unreality, and everyone suspends disbelief.
W3: I was born from melted chip fat and cat fur balls, after being hit by lightning.

AN: What will The Donald bring to Lewis?
W1: Love, peace, global understanding, a unique financial ability and the desire to bring world class facilities to Lewis in memory of his mother (details to be worked out over the next 10 years)
W3 (interjecting): F'all
W2: The population will be enhanced just by the presence of The Donald, who will buy the Stornoway Golf Club and turn it into the new location for the Open by next week. Subject ot planning permission.

AN: What do you plan to say to Alex Salmond?
W1: Your Highness. Jobs for your mates; what else do you want?
W2: I bring you greetings from the Emperor. What would you like him to do for you?
W3: Bastard. I'm building up static in this box!

AN: Why should the Government override planning restrictions for your planned Golf Course?
W1: This is The Donald you are asking such a stupid question of.
W2: He is the Donald, and he brings munificence, magnanimity, and an ex super model wife, so why question his motives or his ability to deliver the impossible under impossible circumstances, despite a lack of a track record or financial ability. Do NOT mention the fact that it is a a housing scheme with a golf course attached, rather than the other way around.
W3: Look, we already spent millions buying everyone in the Government, how much more do you want?

AN: What is your message to the people of the Western Isles?
W1: It is lovely to be here in the wonderful island of Lewis and Harris where the late Mrs Trump was born, and somewhere where The Donald and I come regularly every 50 years or so.
W2: I just love your Harres Tweed made from the skin of living sheeps and urinated upon by walking ladies as they go to the proposed Trump mall and casino in Tong where The Donald will personally ensure that they are paid slightly above minimum wage frequently.
W3: F'off, this is a publicity stunt.

As I left, Wig 3 was taken out by Trump Customs Officers and shot and then burnt due to being 'rabid'. After this and last seen he was being offered his own programme on Isles FM.