Style

As I wander the streets and observe the stylish and classy Southern Europeans in their dress, attitude and behaviour, it is incredibly easy to pick out the less classy tourist, and you can soon identify just in what aspects they are in deficit.

I don't possess the style, self-confidence or utter contempt for fashion reality that characterises those who would claim to be 'style gurus', but I can give some guidance to the masses who may be heading on their holidays shortly. Good sunglasses; pedal pushers, for both men and women; smart sandals; and an air of insouciance are all positives. I can't give a complete positive list, so let's try the reverse.

Here is Angus' guide to “What not to do if you want to try to look classy on holiday':

6. Football gear. A subtle badge or baseball cap proclaiming your allegiance to Barcelona or Juventus can look smart. The complete Celtic/Rangers/Liverpool/ ManU strip for a night-time stroll along the promenade carries a certain cachet that only the wearer can fully appreciate; but it helps the discerning viewer to easily avoid the bars and restaurants favoured by such style victims.

5. Day-glo bright pink sunburn. A no-no in almost every situation, but when accompanied by the above it marks one out as being not local by a long shot and unable to carry an air of Mediterranean mystery. It is not in any way classy to be able to read the bar menu and the label on the can of beer or bottle of alcopops you are carrying by the phosphorescent glow from your skin. On this note, the production of the local brew in cans is for the benefit of tourists only – just look around you at the locals, for goodness sake – and the reason that the locals do not buy it is because of the taste (or lack thereof).

4. Multiple piercings – allegedly called 'body art' – may carry a certain air of mystery, edginess and suggest the wearer is in some way alternative. Having ten rings in your ears, nose and/or nipples may look trendy in your local night club, but subtlety is the mark of the southern European. Navel piercings can look smart, but where a large dangly earring has been inserted into a large dangly stomach, this is less attractive.

3. Coffee or a beer at the seafront restaurant at 3pm with a group of friends can be the epitome of class, style and cool. All-day fried breakfast at 3pm in the English Cafe washed down with 20 fags and a mug of tea and six pints of British lager is not.

2. Arse antlers. If you are trying to express your individuality by having exactly the same type of tattoo as all your friends, then you have perhaps missed the point. A sub-set of this group is whole-back tattoos for men depicting Celtic goddesses, writhing snakes or a football player. Tattoos of pictures of your children as babies is another popular mistake, especially for the children as they enter the teenage years.



Arse antlers - big , but not clever


1. If you have an uncle Calum who only ever visits Stornoway twice a year - once for the lamb sales and once to give his insurance details to the Police – then you will know just how embarrassing it can be for him to appear in his finest brand-new Stornoway Fisherman's Co-op black wellies and the barely-worn pinstripe suit he bought from Hepworths, before they closed in the early 1980's. Crocs perform the same function in Europe. Sold everywhere to tourists, and tourists alone, they mark the wearer as having less style and more gullibility than uncle Calum. In Stornoway, Crocs have two functions: on good days (40 per annum) they let the air into your feet to remove the smell and reduce the chance of foot-rot. On wet days (350 pa) they allow immediate drainage as you splash through puddles. Wear them in temperate climes and you are your uncle Calum, just in from the country to the big town.