In the spirit of openness.....

I have to confess to spending the past two weeks on the yacht of Mr Oleg Deripaska, as we cruised around Corfu looking for politicians to bribe.

Most of the two weeks on board the "Queen K" were spent trying to find my way from the quarters on the fourth floor below sea level to the sunlight.

Mr Dupiaza and I did not discuss the donation he has made towards my soon-to-be-announced campaign to become MP, MSP & First Minister, which I solicited only after much grovelling.

Olga and I spent some time together discussing our plans for global domination. We did so whilst spending a lazy afternoon this weekend hunting an almost mythical oleaginous forked-tongue lizard on the beaches of Corfu - known as Mandelson of Hartlepool - which we duly barbecued and ate with our respective families.

As we were leaving today, Mr Dysentery told me that he and Nat were off to shoot an Osbourne.

Apparently, I can borrow the yacht the next time he is in Lewis.