Dear Darling Chancellor

Dear Al

Don't invite journalists to your holiday retreat in Uig unless you are prepared to have them report everything you say.

The photo and accompanying article make you seem like a sad lost soul desperately trying to save his job, by undermining the Prime Minister to such an extend that you think you will become a martyr or a hero by being sacked.

You don't make jokes about the resemblance between the stormy sea and the sub-prime market and expect knowing laughs from the financial markets, when you have the reputation for being as interesting as a bowl of semolina.

Frankly, you are a twat for taking the job in the first place being the punch bag for Gordy and taking all the blame for everything, whilst he takes all the glory.

But your most serious offence is to all Lewis to be called a "remote Scottish island". That, bugger-lugs, only compounds your sins and demonstrates the insularity of the London mindset and shows just how little attention we should pay to them.

On the upside, your description of the blessed Wendy as 'not likeable at all' surely understates her popularity amongst the rank and file, and the general public. You are to be congratulated on speaking the unutterable truth.

Go back to London, sit and sulk for the next 18 months, and prepare for a long time in opposition. And it's your fault almost as much as Gordy's.

Yours almost truly
LC