A denial

In the spirit of openness and to counter those nasty rumours flying about, I can unequivocally confirm that:

• I have never met Tommy Sheridan
• I have not used a sunbed in the past 15 years
• I am not the editor of the News of the World
• I haven't been swinging since they took down the rope and tyre in the Castle Grounds
• I can't provide an alibi for Tommy, Gail, Ms Whiplash, Juicy Lucy or the guy in the PVC catsuit and gimp mask
• I have not yet been called as a defence witness or a prosecution witness. Yet.
• I am not now, and never have been, a member of Solidarity or the SSP, far less attended an 'executive' committee meeting in a fancy hotel where cocaine and champagne were served

I do however share a secret addiction to Scrabble, and I look forward to seeing quite how this fits into the almost inevitable and impending prosecution.

Having faced the hostile press on many occasions, I learned how to deal with them. I was often misquoted or misrepresented, and you deal with it and carry on.

In this case, the wasps nest has been well and truly hit with a big stick. And then hit again. And then knocked to the ground and the wasps jumped up and down upon. And then the nest kicked around a bit more, just for the sheer hell of it.

You have to be either squeaky clean or unfeasibly lucky to avoid the aftermath.

I don't think Tommy is either.

Which will make for the most fabulous, enthralling, humiliating, vicious court theatre for many, many, many a long year.

The only question is going to be ... who will play Tommy & Gail in the movie? Peter Hain and Paris Hilton?