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The truths they don't want you to read....

Monday, April 21, 2008

Tescotown

With the imminent opening of the first Tesco in the Western Isles, I have been privy to some top-secret top secrets doing the rounds which will explain exactly what the wonderful new world will bring. Trust me, they are all true - they must be, as they all came from reliable sources.
  • The new superstore which will open in just a few weeks will have an extra floor
  • The absence of the sign of any building work having started will not stop this being completed in time for the opening, as all the work will be done in the few weeks that the shop is being refurbished
  • The shop will have a hugely increased number of staff, and not the current "skeleton staff" in Somerfield
  • Tesco will be paying all these staff high wages
  • The stock range will cover everything from caviar* to an entire ladies clothing section
  • The competition will be good for the local shops
  • Everything will be cheaper
* That's a sort of fish roe. Think posh salmon eggs.

Oh, and....
  • The planning application announced today includes a 400m wind turbine on the roof
  • They are going to buy Engebret's Filling Station and Manor Filling Station and sell petrol from both for under £1 per gallon
All this information, and more is to be released to the Stock Exchange tomorrow, so rush to the Co-op tonight (late opening in anticipation of Tesco's arrival) and buy a box of Tesco shares now, before the prices go up.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tesco are delivering online shopping out of their Stornoway branch to all of Lewis. On Sundays only.

Anonymous said...

I'd love a job there - stacking shelves will be so much better than working on a windfarm or starting my own business.

Anonymous said...

11:50 - quite
as for you Angus, come come, you know better than that. The prices WILL go down - until such time as tescos take over the CO-OP - then they will enevitably rise! - i say 3-5 years

Anonymous said...

I hope they bring in Internet Shopping, The Co-op have one van to do the whole island and even that is off the road half the time, fit's well with their take it or leave it attitude.

Anonymous said...

I'd've thought that you would be much more interested in the wine - £1 a bottle they are reporting here LS

Anonymous said...

In order to protect the islands heritage and culture of the islands, and the environment of small quaint shops that tourists love so much......

I hereby announce the launch of Moorlands against Tesco.

Meetings to be held in the local shop after it closes down, or in the school with no pupils.

Anonymous said...

Whatever else commentors on this Blog may say about the Co-op. The Co-op has outlasted the original owners, Presto, Safeways, Morrisons and Somerfield none of these were fly by night businesses will Tesco's be just another temporary incumbent of this site whilst the Co-op just keeps on going?