Hello SNP supporters (add something slightly patronising in Gaelic here).
I am able to bring you good news about ferries to the Western Isles, as instructed by President Salmond.
The First Ministers has an undeniable love for the Western Isles which has seen him visit here regularly just before some elections - in complete contrast to the Labour Party's plan to bulldoze the islands into the sea, and fill the wastelands with giant, carnivorous, hunter-killer geese.
His Mightiness has instructed the Transport Minister (Mr Brown) to review ferry provision to the islands, and to instruct the Board of CalMac to come to a considered decision over the provision of Lochboisdale-Mallaig ferry.
The Board of CalMac have checked with the sole shareholder (A Salmond) about what the outcome of that review should be, so that they can write the report in the appropriate tone, and give the matter the appropriate consideration. Mr Brown has also been advised of the decision he has to come to when he independently reviews the objective report.
Tonight, I can reveal the final outcome of the decision on the explicit instruction of Chief Alex of the Isles.
CalMac are delighted to announce that, following an in depth review of the service, there will be a 100% increase in the service provision between South Uist and Mallaig, through a combination of a reduced possibility of cancellation of the new Mallaig route, and the provision of alternative routing services.
To honour our service guarantee, the ferry will not run on any days where there is a possibility of cancellation, and alternative direct ticketing provision via Castlebay, Lochmaddy, Tarbert and Stornoway will open up next exciting single-ticket routes for travellers in ways that considered impossible before Emperor Alex brought his great powers of thought to bear on the problem.
There will now be five single-ticket direct routes from Lochboisdale to Mallaig, something our Labour opponents have campaigned against since Clement Atlee personally hung the entire first ferry committee on the old pier, and send their families into slavery in the slate mines of Wales.
This new service provision will be subject to an assessment period following a brief alternative bedding-in process, and subject to financial constraints imposed by the evil Tory, LibDem, Labour axis of evil who have cut Scotland's Transport budget by over £11.9 bn this week alone, leading to starving pensioners rampaging on the streets.
All signage, ticketting and advertising for the new ferry will be in Gaelic only, and will be displayed in the Tourist Office (closed Monday - Thursday, Friday, most of Saturday, and Sunday) until the assessment of the existing provision is concluded. The assessment report is due by June 2025.
The Government have set aside over £10m for the evaluation; the Gaelic language website design; a Gaelic language plan for the ferry; and a promotional video featuring King Alex announcing the new ferry route in Uist, Mallaig, Dubai, China, with the pandas, and on the moon.
Finally, I can announced to your jubilation and undying adulation, that RET will be introduced on route on exactly the same basis as for all other Western Isles routes, which will be paid for (after extensive consultations with the entire industry earlier today) by immediately increasing the discounted discount available to hauliers from 50% to 25%; and by extending the hauliers discount to all vehicles over 36 inches - meaning that there will be a level playing field between the rapacious hauliers and those criminals who are smuggling a kit-house onto the ferry in their Skoda.
Finally, I will be available to discuss this with you later tonight, but only if you agree with what the magnificent SNP Government has delivered.
Notes to editors:
The direct service between Mallaig and Lochboisdale will cost £3.70 for a typical traveller. (Gaelic speaking Smartcar painted yellow and black with disabled SNP sticker - 100 book return journey, off-peak only, no cancellations, booking all journeys at time of purchase via the website in Scots, Gaelic, Lallans or Welsh). Other fares will start at £1,000 single
The ferry will not run on any days that there is the possibility of weather, and the Scottish Government is committed to converting MV Para Handy into a worldclass ro-ro vessel when the weather issue is resolved.
Alternative direct ticketing routes will be available (excludes the cost of non-ferry transport).
Labour have opposed this highly successful SNP policy for over 100 years, resulting in the death of many Labour activists.
I think I might have too much time on my hands.